Ronnie’s Easy Recipes

Here are 10 ways to ensure that any dinner party you throw will be a complete failure

1. Invite conflicting guests - This is a great way to ensure trouble before your meal is even served but this can be hard to achieve especially when the group of people you plan to invite all know each other. Your best bet is to try and include partners and friends who are less connected to the group, preferrably with strong beliefs on subjects like religion, politics, ethics, or sexuality.

2. Make sure you don’t serve appetizers or drinks while you’re the guests are waiting for you to complete the preparations. What you want to avoid is your guests talking amongst themselves and potentially having fun. Ideally you want to make sure they have no food or drinks to snack on at all during this time so they have no energy with which to carry on any kind of interesting conversation.

3. Take your time with the cooking, particularly time after the guests have arrived and are waiting. The worst thing you can do is have everything ready shortly after everyone has arrived. Surprisingly, people like to
wait extended periods of time with the smells of a delicious meal filling their nostrils without actually being able to eat it. This is particularly true if you have gotten steps 1 and 2 right and in combination, these
three can create a strong sense of frustration, anxiety and general overwhelm at the whole evening.

4. Make loud noises, cries of frustration and excessive amounts of smoke be clearly noticeable to your guests as coming from the kitchen. In the best case scenario, by the time your guests are at the table, they will be so concerned about what all the racket was in there, they’ll be too scared to enjoy their meal no matter how good it is!

5. Serve an offensive dish - This part is easy. Anything from particularly objectionable types of seafood, foods that are too spicy, even the humble red meat can cause offence if one of your friends has decided to become vegetarian just for the occasion… If you choose wisely, you’ll surely be able to offend at least 20% of your guests with this one…

6. Overcook, undercook or generally just wrongly cook the food you have prepared. If steak, you want blood, if chicken, you want raw flesh. You will know something is wrong if at LEAST one person doesn’t leave with food poisoning.

7. Next it’s all about attitude. Your goal should be to show a blatant disregard for what your guests might want. A good way to do this is to bring desert out immediately after the main meals conclusion without asking anyone how they’re feeling. You don’t want the guest to feel like they have any control over the evening whatsoever.

8. Keep the desserts in the freezer while you’re preparing dinner. This will ensure that even though the serving will look delicious, even the most durable spoon will not be able to penetrate it’s icy surface.

9. Ask everyone what they thought of the meal, one by one and have them answer in front of the group.

10. Invite them back for another dinner party! IF they aren’t upset about everything that just happened, inviting them back to go through the ordeal again will surely tip them over the edge.